I've been sitting here in front of the computer. Spending a great deal of time here rather than walking around a very hazy Delhi. The air quality seriously bugs me. But anyway, I'll get out there pretty soon. I need to find the post office to mail some letters to the boys which I've wanted to mail for the last week. I find myself feeling almost ashamed of that fact. To let the letters just sit in my purse. (And maybe that I have yet to get outside today . . . ) I attempted to get them off with the Asplund/England mail, but that goes through Mark's office and they don't need to deal with my mail.
Then there is email. This whole internet thing where I am able to send a letter, the boys get it the next time their Daddy opens the email account and I hear right back from them. Does it get better than that? Yes, actually it does! I discovered the "video chat" feature on gmail and have been using it. I'll keep figuring this stuff out.
Keeping in touch with people when we are in other places and spaces sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.
What I wrote was a lifetime away, since so many things have happened since then ... if I sound mysterious, I don't mean to be.
A friend I've known for about 15 years, whom I loved, who was a good man, husband, friend, business owner and boss, father to about 4 (or 400 depending upon how you look at it) loyal dogs, brother, son, and so, so much more than any label, any word .... killed himself on December 20.
Now that I am home from my own travels, now that the holidays have passed as they do, back to living a certain sort of routine, I am reeling a bit more than before. No, not true. I'm still simply reeling.
But there are certain things I need to say that I may not be able to later.
Two things: the first is some wisdom past on to me yesterday that can always bare repeating. Almost everything is completely out of my control. Practically everything. And it doesn't matter whether I am crying or dealing or angry or thrilled or empathetic or whatever, perhaps except to myself, to those who I love and who love and care about me when they are able. Even in terms of my own actions .... sometimes even those feel out of my control. Of course, this is me being frightened about taking whatever action I probably know, deep down, I know in my heart I need to take. That maybe others understand, or don't. Again, I have no control how others think or feel about my choices. I don't seem to have much control over my own thoughts, my own feelings so much. But I am learning how to watch them change and pass. My own personal weather pattern. We all have them.
I guess, as my brother told me on the phone yesterday, right now I'm probably in the middle of a pretty enormous storm, a hurricane in fact. And so is everyone who loved Jon. Another person dear to me told me that the actions I was creating around me were building to the Perfect Storm. I think we are already in it. And we are all just hanging on to the closest thing we can. This can be difficult when you love the other people who are whirling around, or clutching whatever they can.
I'm grateful for the strong supports that are keeping me grounded. If there is a perfect storm raging, I just want to say ..... in this world there are certain physical laws and, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, right? So the things we are hanging onto have to be strong enough to hold us in place, while we tighten our grip,
Or we can let go and just see what happens.
Watch where it all falls down.
Just like death always does.
Zachary was singing Ring Around the Rosy, I'm not kidding, out of the blue (or maybe out of the darkness), but he added his own words which I will paraphrase .... how I wish I had a tape recorder for the things he tells me, the little wise man, the seer, my see-er ....
Ring around the rosie,
pocket full of posies
ashes, and tootsie,
we all fart and poopsies.
Jon would appreciate Zach's version. this does feel shitty.
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